Freshly-Picked Sunglassy Goodness

There’s something about a guy in gradient-lensed aviators with gunmetal frames that symbolizes everything that was righteous and good about the 1980’s. They’re opulent, but accessible. You might not be that guy from the Nautica ad, aviators on your perfect face, jaunty sweater fopped over your shoulders, tousled strawberry blond hair wafting in the marine breeze while you lounge on your comfort cruiser. You might not be rich or successful or over-privileged or flanked by the hottest girl Swedish engineering is able to produce.

But hey, you can look like a million bucks too, sailor.

$129

My name is Coriander, but you can call me Cilantro

Cilantro is one of those awesome multipurpose herbs that is essential in cooking and can be used for non-culinary uses as well. It’s cultivated all over the world, and has a long history of uses in medicine and food preparation. Now some scurrilous individuals don’t like cilantro. In fact, they’ve gone so far as to make a webpage for it.

But what do they know? Cilantro can be used to treat the following medical ailments:

Anxiety
Insomnia
Water retention
Digestive problems
Acne
Source: Wikipedia

This particular product here, is cilantro that comes in a bag. Tear the bad boy open, water it, and the plants will grow right there in the sack on your desk or anywhere else you’d like.

$9

Spongebob Sandwichpants

It’s always been a dream of mine to be able to clean my surfaces and my body with a slice of Wonder Bread. It’s taken a generation of Korean scientists commissioned by the Museum of Modern Art to produce, but this sponge fulfills that lifelong dream.

Now, you might wonder what else this bread shaped sponge might be used for. Well, you can’t exactly put together a Dagwood sandwich the way mother used to make. But if stereotypes and television are any indication on your reality, you’ll probably be able to approximate the sandwiches father used to make.

$10

Only the best for Batplaytime

Batman, the Dark Knight and King of Kitsch, brings us another of his Bat-gadgets. Kiddies will enjoy playing Batman & robbers with these babies, reenacting their favorite crime fighting adventures. Grown ups, on the other hand, can have a lot more fun with them.

Ever wanted to play Batman and Catwoman in the sack? Want to put them old costumes to good use? Interested in a little super hero bondage? Want to make play time more than the same Bat activities every Bat time?

Pervert. The thing is, these things don’t open. They can’t be used as normal handcuffs. That ought to save you from some embarrassing 911 calls and keep you away from drunken acts of wanton carnality. The cuffs come with a special display, and are made of high-quality realistic materials. This is a limited edition product that is manufactured to order, just like the real thing. Next, I hope they make realistic Batarangs I can use to bludgeon noisy people with in the movies.

$125 (avail. June 19, 2009)

What a bargain!

What’s this? Political satire on a product blog? Au contraire! The purpose of product blogs are to bring you two types of products– those you want but can’t afford, and those you can afford and never knew you wanted. Case in point: stocks. GM is an old company with a long record of success, that is currently plagued by some bad luck and some bad planning. All the finger pointing in the world can’t definitively answer why GM’s stock has sunk as low as $2.88 per share.

The fact is, at a price like that, it’s cheap enough to take a little risk. If GM survives and thrives– which is entirely possible– its stock could be worth a fortune again some day. In 10 years when everyone is driving Chevy Volts, you might stop and think, “Crap! I need to balm my wounds with liquor and women!” Our handsomest economists will tell you that those are far more expensive than $2.88 a pop.

Then again, in 10 years when everyone is still driving Toyotas, you might stop and think, “NICE! I deserve a nice hard candy and a firm pat on the back.” Though, that also has the potential to be pretty pricey.

$2.88 (as of 11/20/2008)

Disclaimer: Don’t be stupid. Naked Avarice isn’t your average fancy pants brokerage man. We don’t lunch with the big boys or schmooze with the fat cats. Do your homework and buy stocks at your own risk.

Smoke & Mirrors

Theory11, the haven for card tricks and sleight of hand, brings us another amazing deck of cards. This second edition, illustrated by artist Si Scott and developed by Dan and Dave Buck, combines a very solid, modern design spectrum with cards that feel palpably superior.

That feeling is what separates Theory11 cards from what you normally get. Their air brushed ‘glaze’ helps them slide around your fingers or a card table like they’re floating– making tricks look like a breeze. Whether you’re practicing hardcore tricks or just wanting to impress your friends on poker night, you’ve got a winner here. The smoke deck is white, the mirror deck is black, and both have some original artwork alongside the standard 52.

These cards might not make you a Las Vegas cool guy, especially with those beat up shoes you have, slob, but at least your cards can have some class. Buy multiple sets of these decks and pick up a discount at 3, 6, or 12 decks in any combination of the 2 varieties.

$5.95

Quetzalcoatl

As the product page so eloquently reminds us, Quetzalcoatl was one of the gods of the Aztecs. The Aztecs, my ancestors, believed that this feathered, winged, serpent deity thirsted for human blood, and like so many other serpent-related deities, would one day return from the sky to rule over all mankind. I sometimes joke that maybe I am Quetzalcoatl, as I have many god-like attributes, relatively fair skin, a penchant for the suffering of others, and am a supreme being among amoebas.

I wonder what the Nahuatl (Aztec) word for schadenfreude is. In any case, this shirt combines some awesome pre-Columbian iconography with pretty modern design. The stitching adds an extra flare, but the chest image of the Quetzalcoatl idol makes this shirt a keeper. Get it while you can, it’s a steal at 15 hoes (Shut up, that’s what they called Aztec money. Douche.), and appears to be on sale or clearance.

$15

via flickr

Japan’s world famous Beard Papa Cream Puff’s have now come stateside with a location in the food court in Seattle’s popular Uwajimaya Asian market. Flavored cream puffs are old hat. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, yawn. Such offerings alone do not fit one such as Beard Papa.

Beard Papa, whose wisdom is clear by the snowy whiteness of his manly whiskers, has an expanded line up for his North American yuujin. The flavors include coffee, Earl Gray tea, eclair, pumpkin, and Green tea. We tried the Green Tea and the original vanilla. The vanilla was just as awesome as you would expect, chock full of vanilla beany goodness. The green tea flavor was clever. It was a lot like eating green tea ice cream versus drinking the sugar water you get at SBUX or in a bottle at the A&P.

I admit that Beard Papa-sama is kind of odd. Unlike Colonel Sanders or Ronald McDonald, food icons imbued with power relative to the cred that comes with their rank, name, and clowniness, Beard Papa has no name. The truth is that Beard Papa needs no name. With a lush beard and cob pipe like your Granddad used to smoke before the emphysema took him, Beard Papa happily brings his puffy goodness to our Pacific shores.

For more information on Beard Papa, click here.
For information on the Seattle Uwajimaya location, click here.

Indian Coleus

Herbs and supplements are big business. These things aren’t cure-alls, but they do provide some help without the side effects of allopathic (prescription) medication. Take this little devil. The Indian Coleus plant, coleus forshkohlii, has been shown to have a remarkable breadth of benefits. A sample of them include:

Inhibition of the development of certain kinds of cancer.

Lowers blood pressure.

Increases skin resistance to sunlight, and aids in tanning.

Reduces urinary tract infections.

Lowers blood sugar levels.

Helps control cholesterol levels.

Aids general eye health and helps glaucoma.

Increases testosterone production in men– which can help weight loss, erectile dysfunction, and muscle development.

Who wouldn’t like all that? Either you’re old and need help with blood pressure or you’re young and need the big muscles and good skin. It’s a win all around.

$15.99 - $28.99

Vinter's Sport Coat by Territory Ahead

Yes, you too can look like a college English professor…

…or other form of hipster. This coat provides an accessible (not too heavy) weight with a look that isn’t too formal, making it an excellent pick for going to class, getting a latte at Starbucks and then pouring it into a blank paper coffee cup so you don’t look like a schill, or otherwise being part of the solution.

Dressed-down sport coats have been in style for a long time, and they make a great addition to your wardrobe for the autumn months before it gets too cold.

$229